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Timmy Turtle insists he’s not enjoying himself. The hat was a gift. The scarf’s on backwards. And frankly, the music’s too loud. But for someone so staunchly anti-festive, he’s suspiciously good on the ice.

Where others wobble, Timmy glides. His shell provides perfect balance; his scowl, lazer focus. He claims it’s just physics – “a low center of gravity” – but there’s more to it than that. The triple turn last Thursday? Entirely intentional.

Catch him early, before the crowds arrive, and you might see it. But mention it? He’ll deny it ever happened.

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